know your worth

If he fails to recognize the beauty and value you hold; If he decides that the girl every man lusts for is way more significant than you; If he'd rather go for sex appeal than substance; If he seeks attention from every other girl besides you; If he thinks that innocent flirty texts to other girls consist of "let's get drunk and see where things go" or "I think you're beautiful"; If by the end of the day you're not one of the last things that cross his mind.

-- Walk away. He does not appreciate the lovely woman standing before him.

Because, someday, someone will realize your beauty and value you as their prized possession. Because someone, somewhere thinks that you are the most wondrous and alluring creation put on this earth. Because a woman with substance IS sexy. Because your attention should be the only one that matters. Because one day those won't be JUST innocent text messages and although other girls may be found attractive, his eyes should only see true beauty in you. Because when the sun sets and the moon rises he should know just how lucky he is to have a charasmatic, exquisite, breath-taking gem like you. Something so much more and incomparable to any other woman that has walked in and out of his life. A majestic and ageless gift to him, which is your unconditional love.

So, if he fails to acknowledge that and would rather live the "playboy" life...just leave. He was obviously not worth your time and you were evidently just a facade of a mature and blissful relationship that he could have had.

LGS

No, it's not the brand LRG. No, I didn't mean LSG (Levert, Sweat, Gill)...although their single "My Body" was sexy enough to get any girl to drop her panties and do the body roll.

-- LGS, everybody has them. Girl OR Guy. Some more than others. With Valentines Day on our minds this could possibly be the most depressing yet most fitting post for the occasion. This term is an acronym developed by a friend and I, made to describe a feeling. A feeling that we all know too well and is frequently shared amongst us on romantic holidays such as today:

L - Lonely
G - Girl/Guy
S - Syndrome

For the days we just want to shit-kick the world, shut everyone off, and be alone. It's that emptiness in your chest on a rainy day. It's that pain-staked stab in the heart where your mind goes blank and leads to the next occurrences. It's that sting in your eye that can make any grown up cry. It's that numbness you feel after you think that your whole life is meaningless and broken. It's that punch in the gut, knocking the wind out of you, making it hard to breathe. It's that realization that you only have yourself in this harsh world, and that no guy, no girl, no friend and no relationship could ever fix that void that you feel.

I'm not going to sit here and whisper words of encouragement. I'm not going to deny that, that shit sucks. Cause, to be real honest, it does. What I can promise you is this: It'll happen again. You will deal with it now and every holiday spent alone. You will deal with it on your days off from work. You will deal with it when you're having the time of your life with your friends. You may not deal with it now, but you will deal with it years ahead from the present. And all you can really do is accept it. You don't need to embrace, you don't need to rectify why you feel the way you do. Just accept. And hope the next time you're feeling LGS that it won't be so frequent or so bad.

dedication to derek cardigan

The term "fits like a glove" turned to "suited like a pair of eye glasses." You never would have thought so much about it a couple of years ago but eye glasses are now the new fad to fashion. It denotes who you are while benefitting you with, what my friends and I like to call, HD vision. This post is dedicated to a very good friend of mine. A man of such fine calibur with such keen sense in style, it does not cease to amaze me that he would create such structured, beautiful artwork for people to wear on a daily basis. I recently purchased TWO of his designer glasses and pushed the envelope a bit. Bringing back the cat-eye old 50's librarian look, I decided to get Derek Cardigan 7005 (wider frame in Black) and 7006 (smaller frame in Brown Tortoiseshell and Pink). They fit perfectly and I feel they define who I am. It's weird how an item of clothing or an accessory can make you feel more confident in yourself, almost like another puzzle to the piece you call "you."

To see all the styles that he's created visit ClearlyContacts.ca or click this link if you're just THAT lazy: Derek Cardigan

Thanks!

i'm on layaway...

"Hey girl, are you single?"

...No, I'm on layaway.

What Does Layaway Mean?
A purchasing method that allows a consumer to put a product on hold by placing a deposit on the item. Layaway allows the customer to make smaller payments on the product until the purchase price is paid in full, rather than paying for the item with credit and adding interest to the cost. A layaway plan ensures that the chosen merchandise will be in stock and ready for pick-up when the final payment is made.
(Whaddup Google!!!)

So maybe, technically, I am single. I have no direct correlation nor do I "belong" to anyone. But let me use this term layaway correctly...For those who are willing to pay increments of their time in getting to know me. For those who understand that I am reserved, maybe even scared to fully reveal who I am, but are patient enough knowing that one day these walls will crack and break down. I am not here to test if you are worthy of being with ME...in fact, the only test or "accreditation check" is yourself. Are YOU able to take how ever long it takes to make me feel comfortable enough to let you into my life?

There are no added costs to getting to know me. I try to be as honest and vulnerable as I can be. Why settle for someone who is not willing to see you for who you are? Who doesn't accept the flaws in you, because you know and I know...nobody is perfect.

The biggest reward for me is feeling safe and secure; That at that pivotal moment (the final payment), I can trust that we're both equally and happily deserving of one another. When people purchase things they look at the quality of what they're buying. They look at the expense of the item, the necessity, the long-term value, and the significance of how this could benefit them. Why not take all of those considerations one step further and apply it to not just clothes, appliances, jewellery...and all those fancy things, but to love and life. After all, wouldn't you credit yourself to be the most valuable thing in this world?

There are no refunds. There are no exchange policies. Basically, I am on layaway for someone who can look at it all and in the end say, "she was worth every minute of it."

Addendum: I realize that this is my first post of 2011. Happy New Year to you folks who read my blog. Mainly my Facebook friend base and I've seen majority of you already...but still. :)

random thoughts as the day proceeds...

My mind is whirling with thoughts. I want to jott them down and perhaps expand on these thoughts one day. But for now, here are the snippets.

10:05am -- It takes a grown person to cry and admit defeat. It takes an even stronger person to accept their defeats for what they are and still rise above any occasion.

10:32am -- Never let anyone test your character, make you feel incompetent as a daugher/son, sister/brother, friend, or lover. You know yourself better than anyone else and if you believe in what you feel or say, nothing and no one should matter.

the heart of the matter

I wake up everyday asking the same question. About 99% of the time I get the same answer. Is it me not being able to accept defeat? Maybe. Am I making assumptions and could the real answer be the one I want? Possibly. Realistically, the plausible answer is not so realistic. The pain rides through the preferred outcome, making it more difficult in the end...than it really was intended to be. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best thing to do overall. So I ask myself at the present time being, what am I doing here and how do I get myself out? The only profound answer that comes to mind is to turn from the contemplation and just walk away. And then I start questioning my actions...Is that the cowardice thing to do? Is there a better way to handle each situation more diligently? So in the end, I'm left in my despair to choose not to run away until I think of a better game plan. It's a battle between heart and mind, passion vs. substance...a constant internal feud that tends to render itself within humanity. An ongoing theme that resonates within the INDIVIDUAL and not with any animate or inanimate (for that matter) thing before them. I keep telling myself to let time run its course. Eventually, the answer becomes a lot clearer, right? WRONG...I find myself in a bigger shithole of questions that always lead me back to the same answer. This cycle has no end. When the answer is finally there, there will always be the "what if's" because in life you're never really satisfied. You always want to discover and explore the possibilities. You are your own maze with no finish. There never is a conclusion to the question. The battle of heart and mind never ends. Eventually you grow tired and learn to let it be...

**Addendum: It's funny how small little decisions open a can of worms and break through walls of hidden emotions you're trying to hide. I've been dealing with predicament after predicament with fam issues lately. More so closed issues that I constantly think about. Not open for discussion to people especially family. I wrote this piece after having a difficult time figuring out what shoes to wear. Ha! Go figure.

writings on MY wall...

Often people will ask me what drives me to write about certain things. Some people would say that I have a passion for writing. But I don’t. It’s always been a forte of mine but I wouldn’t call it a hobby. Unlike people who live and breathe their music, fashion, and writing capabilities, I live and breathe for life itself. I’ve been through a variety of situations in the past six years out of high school that a lot can relate to, yet many have not. I have gone through the heartbreak. Love is a crazy feeling that makes you do things you would never in your wildest dreams ever imagine doing. When people refer to it being a rollercoaster, I think its understatement. No rollercoaster ride has ever left me so emotionally distraught before. And although the pain felt like there was no hope left, and that my heart could beat no longer…here I am today, with more love than anyone else could ever offer. I have gone through the loss of someone very important. It’s funny because you never really DO expect the little curveballs life throws at you. Never would I have imagined, nor anyone else for that matter, losing someone you love not through heartache, not through long distances, not through a failed friendship…but death, at such an early age. For the longest time, I’d pinch myself (literally!) to see if I somehow had fallen into a deep, inception-like, nightmare; however, reality sets in when you wake up and come to the realization that you’ll never get to share a summer’s day at the park singing out to your favorite tunes, you’ll never get an e-mail after many months of not talking just to see how you are, and you’ll never get to see, touch, or hear that person’s voice ever again. It’s a scary feeling because you never want to forget…even the smallest things…but you do. You go through your psychotic phase of trying to balance dreams, nightmares, and reality. A loved one passing away really fucks you up…In the end, there’s nothing more rewarding than being able to pick yourself up from the hugest obstacle you can over come, with a better understanding and appreciation of life itself.

…And this is where I go back to my so-called “passion” for writing. I’ll admit, I was a lot better before he left. Maybe because I always looked forward to his input with the content of my writing. It was as if I lived in my own little world and he was the only one who understood it…

I’ve only started writing again recently. But it’s not because I’m passionate about the subject matter that I relay. Neither am I here to impress you with the fancy words I conjure up or what Webster’s Thesaurus has to offer. Sure, a lot of people will think it’s cliché to say “I write for me and no one else,” and it may not have been fully true for me back then, but I do now. These are my ingenuous thoughts, not ingenious (there’s a difference…props to Jesse for seeing the play on play with words in a previous FB Status entry!), put into formations of sentences to paragraphs to blog. I am not always an open book. I don’t expect five star ratings or eProps or 10, 000 followers…If you can relate to me and I’ve done you some good…great! If I’ve wasted 15 minutes of your life…even better. This is me being completely honest with myself for the whole world to see. This is me letting everything go so that my mind can run freely in tangents. All boundaries are lost, all walls are shaken. I can openly admit, you will never see me at my truest and purest form other than what I write because this is when I’m the most vulnerable and real to even myself.

So thank you for reading…thank you for appreciating…thank you for relating…
In life, you learn more about yourself each and every day.
Just like taking notes in school, I’m just documenting mine.