the heart of the matter

I wake up everyday asking the same question. About 99% of the time I get the same answer. Is it me not being able to accept defeat? Maybe. Am I making assumptions and could the real answer be the one I want? Possibly. Realistically, the plausible answer is not so realistic. The pain rides through the preferred outcome, making it more difficult in the end...than it really was intended to be. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best thing to do overall. So I ask myself at the present time being, what am I doing here and how do I get myself out? The only profound answer that comes to mind is to turn from the contemplation and just walk away. And then I start questioning my actions...Is that the cowardice thing to do? Is there a better way to handle each situation more diligently? So in the end, I'm left in my despair to choose not to run away until I think of a better game plan. It's a battle between heart and mind, passion vs. substance...a constant internal feud that tends to render itself within humanity. An ongoing theme that resonates within the INDIVIDUAL and not with any animate or inanimate (for that matter) thing before them. I keep telling myself to let time run its course. Eventually, the answer becomes a lot clearer, right? WRONG...I find myself in a bigger shithole of questions that always lead me back to the same answer. This cycle has no end. When the answer is finally there, there will always be the "what if's" because in life you're never really satisfied. You always want to discover and explore the possibilities. You are your own maze with no finish. There never is a conclusion to the question. The battle of heart and mind never ends. Eventually you grow tired and learn to let it be...

**Addendum: It's funny how small little decisions open a can of worms and break through walls of hidden emotions you're trying to hide. I've been dealing with predicament after predicament with fam issues lately. More so closed issues that I constantly think about. Not open for discussion to people especially family. I wrote this piece after having a difficult time figuring out what shoes to wear. Ha! Go figure.

writings on MY wall...

Often people will ask me what drives me to write about certain things. Some people would say that I have a passion for writing. But I don’t. It’s always been a forte of mine but I wouldn’t call it a hobby. Unlike people who live and breathe their music, fashion, and writing capabilities, I live and breathe for life itself. I’ve been through a variety of situations in the past six years out of high school that a lot can relate to, yet many have not. I have gone through the heartbreak. Love is a crazy feeling that makes you do things you would never in your wildest dreams ever imagine doing. When people refer to it being a rollercoaster, I think its understatement. No rollercoaster ride has ever left me so emotionally distraught before. And although the pain felt like there was no hope left, and that my heart could beat no longer…here I am today, with more love than anyone else could ever offer. I have gone through the loss of someone very important. It’s funny because you never really DO expect the little curveballs life throws at you. Never would I have imagined, nor anyone else for that matter, losing someone you love not through heartache, not through long distances, not through a failed friendship…but death, at such an early age. For the longest time, I’d pinch myself (literally!) to see if I somehow had fallen into a deep, inception-like, nightmare; however, reality sets in when you wake up and come to the realization that you’ll never get to share a summer’s day at the park singing out to your favorite tunes, you’ll never get an e-mail after many months of not talking just to see how you are, and you’ll never get to see, touch, or hear that person’s voice ever again. It’s a scary feeling because you never want to forget…even the smallest things…but you do. You go through your psychotic phase of trying to balance dreams, nightmares, and reality. A loved one passing away really fucks you up…In the end, there’s nothing more rewarding than being able to pick yourself up from the hugest obstacle you can over come, with a better understanding and appreciation of life itself.

…And this is where I go back to my so-called “passion” for writing. I’ll admit, I was a lot better before he left. Maybe because I always looked forward to his input with the content of my writing. It was as if I lived in my own little world and he was the only one who understood it…

I’ve only started writing again recently. But it’s not because I’m passionate about the subject matter that I relay. Neither am I here to impress you with the fancy words I conjure up or what Webster’s Thesaurus has to offer. Sure, a lot of people will think it’s cliché to say “I write for me and no one else,” and it may not have been fully true for me back then, but I do now. These are my ingenuous thoughts, not ingenious (there’s a difference…props to Jesse for seeing the play on play with words in a previous FB Status entry!), put into formations of sentences to paragraphs to blog. I am not always an open book. I don’t expect five star ratings or eProps or 10, 000 followers…If you can relate to me and I’ve done you some good…great! If I’ve wasted 15 minutes of your life…even better. This is me being completely honest with myself for the whole world to see. This is me letting everything go so that my mind can run freely in tangents. All boundaries are lost, all walls are shaken. I can openly admit, you will never see me at my truest and purest form other than what I write because this is when I’m the most vulnerable and real to even myself.

So thank you for reading…thank you for appreciating…thank you for relating…
In life, you learn more about yourself each and every day.
Just like taking notes in school, I’m just documenting mine.

random-dom-dom music post...

Just got home. Had a good night. Foundation. Wired on coffee. Let's go...

Cypress Hill feat. Erick Sermon, MC Either, Redman - Throw Ya Hands In The Air
Album: The Temple of Boom (1995)


The Roots - Clones
Album: Illadelph Halflife (1996)


Digable Planets - Nickel Bags
Album: Reachin' (A New Refutation of Time and Space) (1993)


A Tribe Called Quest - 1nce Again
Album: Beats, Rhymes And Life (1996)


Foxy Brown Feat. Method Man - Ill Na Na
Album: Ill Na Na (1996)


EPMD Feat. K-Solo & Redman - The Head Banger
Album: Business Never Personal (1992)


Can't think. Good night.

slow jam them monday blues...

Everybody hates Mondays. Not a lot of people like the accompaniment of rain. But when you live in a city like Vancouver you're most likely going to run into both at the same time. Sucks to say, I really wish I was at work right now to keep my mind from running on tangents...but along with it being Monday and along with it raining...I'm sick. What's more perfect for a sick day like this? Slow jams. My favorite. I used to help a friend with his blog on this genre specifically, but have since run dry with music posts. Slow jams are for the faint at heart, for the ones in love, for the ones who are broken, and for the ones feeling sexy. It's versatility in bringing up emotions is what, I think, makes it one of the most popular genres out there. Ultimately it's the lyrics that make a listener relate. Everyone feels love, lost, and longing(take that in whatever way you want it). And so, without further ado, this post is for all of you...

Soul For Real - If Only You Knew
Album: Candy Rain 1995


Alicia Keys - Like You'll Never See Me Again
Album: As I Am 2007


Janet Jackson - Everytime
Album: The Velvet Rope 1997


Brian McKnight - Could
Album: Anytime 1997


Ralph Tresvant - Do What I Gotta Do
Album: Sensitivity 1990


R.L. - Good Man
Album: RL:ements 2002


Jodeci -Lately
Album: MTV Unplugged 1993


Mariah Carey - Underneath the Stars
Album: Daydream 1995


Javier - October Sky
Album: Javier 2003


BoyzIIMen - Doin' Just Fine
Album: Evolution 1997


Mint Condition - What Kind of Man Would I Be
Album: Definition of a Band 1996


Tamia - You Put A Move On My Heart
Album: Tamia 1995


Jo Jo - Do Whatcha Gotta Do
Album: The High Road 2006


SWV - Rain
Album: Release Some Tension 1997


Enjoy the rain...

falling in fall...

Heavy heart...hard to breathe. Mixed emotions running through me. Want to cry...fall asleep but this pain won't let me be. "Please stop thinking." "Just relax!" "Give her time and soon it'll pass." A reason to smile, or even a laugh...I'd do anything to get that back.

*Maybe I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) or maybe I'm just exhausted from all the work I've had this week. For some reason I can't shake that tormented gut feeling you get when your eyes start to well up and you cry. I know I'm missing him...missing him a lot lately. I have optimism that just like the other times, this will pass. But for now, let me be...*

these are my confessions...

I'm not drop dead gorgeous or the envy of all women and married men in the room. I don't have the sexy body of a Maxim model with curves all in the right places...I think I'm cute, but there's more to me than what meets the eye that suffice to the "lack of" whatever I'm lacking. There's been theory into why men love bitches and I'm not here to prove them wrong; for the most part, I think men really do strive on the challenge. But I'm not here to waste anybody's time. I'm not here to play the "hard to get" game and perhaps that's why I've been single for a while now. I refuse to alter who I am for the very reason that I love being vulnerable to falling in love. I'm sorry if I like catering to people's needs but that's what makes me happy in life. I come across the ones that take advantage but I still give them the benefit of the doubt to prove me...no, to prove everyone else wrong. Why? For this simple fact: No matter how hard a person plays "the game" in the end they always want the same thing...to love unconditionally and to get that same feeling in return. Excuse me if I am brutally honest with how I feel but it's only because I care. Not many can say they have true friends out there but I've been blessed enough to say that I do. If I say you're an idiot it's because you're making a fool of what I think you really are and I know you're better than that. If I say you're being a bitch it's because I know you don't have the heart to be THAT cruel. If I say that I love you it's not because I want you to take my heart and run away with it...it's because I want to share it...with you. I apologize if I'm ever jealous or envious, it's the humane part of me that I unfortunately can't control. It just means that you have an amazing quality in you that I wish I had for myself OR I feel that I'm not up to par with what I think you deserve. I think everyone deserves the best but I'm learning not everyone is and I should be fine with that. I'm sorry I'm not your average girl...and no, I'm not going to boast about how incredibly nerdy or tomboy I am...I leave you to be the judge on that...I mean, I don't have excess baggage. I don't have the dramatics of a sappy sad love story to give you to make you feel sorry for me. I don't have the psycho ex boy friends who will come after you if you step a foot near me. In actuality, despite our differences and the reasons why we went our separate ways...all the exes were pretty nice. I'm sorry that you're not going to have to fight for my attention because I know what I want, if what I want is you, you already have my undivided attention. I guess it may not be exhilarating enough without the chase, but here I am, because I think we're both deserving of each other.

In the end, these apologies mean nothing because I never really was "sorry" for who I am. I am confident enough to say that these characteristics, morals, and values are what make me, me. Those who are presently in my life are my witnesses. I hold no barriers when it comes to them because I genuinely love each and every one of them.

Ultimately, I'm just like you...and you...AND you...a girl waiting to take another chance in love.

J. Lacsamana 09.10.2010

THE TRUTH?

You never truly are who you say you are until you show it; and half of the time the things that you say you are never really were you. Fuck the Conformist, and just be. Finding acceptance within yourself is far more preeminent than finding acceptance from other people. Don't look anyone else in the eye but yourself, none of their morals or values are yours anyway...Tell me what do you really see?
- J. Lacsamana 09.01.2010