know your worth

If he fails to recognize the beauty and value you hold; If he decides that the girl every man lusts for is way more significant than you; If he'd rather go for sex appeal than substance; If he seeks attention from every other girl besides you; If he thinks that innocent flirty texts to other girls consist of "let's get drunk and see where things go" or "I think you're beautiful"; If by the end of the day you're not one of the last things that cross his mind.

-- Walk away. He does not appreciate the lovely woman standing before him.

Because, someday, someone will realize your beauty and value you as their prized possession. Because someone, somewhere thinks that you are the most wondrous and alluring creation put on this earth. Because a woman with substance IS sexy. Because your attention should be the only one that matters. Because one day those won't be JUST innocent text messages and although other girls may be found attractive, his eyes should only see true beauty in you. Because when the sun sets and the moon rises he should know just how lucky he is to have a charasmatic, exquisite, breath-taking gem like you. Something so much more and incomparable to any other woman that has walked in and out of his life. A majestic and ageless gift to him, which is your unconditional love.

So, if he fails to acknowledge that and would rather live the "playboy" life...just leave. He was obviously not worth your time and you were evidently just a facade of a mature and blissful relationship that he could have had.

LGS

No, it's not the brand LRG. No, I didn't mean LSG (Levert, Sweat, Gill)...although their single "My Body" was sexy enough to get any girl to drop her panties and do the body roll.

-- LGS, everybody has them. Girl OR Guy. Some more than others. With Valentines Day on our minds this could possibly be the most depressing yet most fitting post for the occasion. This term is an acronym developed by a friend and I, made to describe a feeling. A feeling that we all know too well and is frequently shared amongst us on romantic holidays such as today:

L - Lonely
G - Girl/Guy
S - Syndrome

For the days we just want to shit-kick the world, shut everyone off, and be alone. It's that emptiness in your chest on a rainy day. It's that pain-staked stab in the heart where your mind goes blank and leads to the next occurrences. It's that sting in your eye that can make any grown up cry. It's that numbness you feel after you think that your whole life is meaningless and broken. It's that punch in the gut, knocking the wind out of you, making it hard to breathe. It's that realization that you only have yourself in this harsh world, and that no guy, no girl, no friend and no relationship could ever fix that void that you feel.

I'm not going to sit here and whisper words of encouragement. I'm not going to deny that, that shit sucks. Cause, to be real honest, it does. What I can promise you is this: It'll happen again. You will deal with it now and every holiday spent alone. You will deal with it on your days off from work. You will deal with it when you're having the time of your life with your friends. You may not deal with it now, but you will deal with it years ahead from the present. And all you can really do is accept it. You don't need to embrace, you don't need to rectify why you feel the way you do. Just accept. And hope the next time you're feeling LGS that it won't be so frequent or so bad.

i'm on layaway...

"Hey girl, are you single?"

...No, I'm on layaway.

What Does Layaway Mean?
A purchasing method that allows a consumer to put a product on hold by placing a deposit on the item. Layaway allows the customer to make smaller payments on the product until the purchase price is paid in full, rather than paying for the item with credit and adding interest to the cost. A layaway plan ensures that the chosen merchandise will be in stock and ready for pick-up when the final payment is made.
(Whaddup Google!!!)

So maybe, technically, I am single. I have no direct correlation nor do I "belong" to anyone. But let me use this term layaway correctly...For those who are willing to pay increments of their time in getting to know me. For those who understand that I am reserved, maybe even scared to fully reveal who I am, but are patient enough knowing that one day these walls will crack and break down. I am not here to test if you are worthy of being with ME...in fact, the only test or "accreditation check" is yourself. Are YOU able to take how ever long it takes to make me feel comfortable enough to let you into my life?

There are no added costs to getting to know me. I try to be as honest and vulnerable as I can be. Why settle for someone who is not willing to see you for who you are? Who doesn't accept the flaws in you, because you know and I know...nobody is perfect.

The biggest reward for me is feeling safe and secure; That at that pivotal moment (the final payment), I can trust that we're both equally and happily deserving of one another. When people purchase things they look at the quality of what they're buying. They look at the expense of the item, the necessity, the long-term value, and the significance of how this could benefit them. Why not take all of those considerations one step further and apply it to not just clothes, appliances, jewellery...and all those fancy things, but to love and life. After all, wouldn't you credit yourself to be the most valuable thing in this world?

There are no refunds. There are no exchange policies. Basically, I am on layaway for someone who can look at it all and in the end say, "she was worth every minute of it."

Addendum: I realize that this is my first post of 2011. Happy New Year to you folks who read my blog. Mainly my Facebook friend base and I've seen majority of you already...but still. :)

writings on MY wall...

Often people will ask me what drives me to write about certain things. Some people would say that I have a passion for writing. But I don’t. It’s always been a forte of mine but I wouldn’t call it a hobby. Unlike people who live and breathe their music, fashion, and writing capabilities, I live and breathe for life itself. I’ve been through a variety of situations in the past six years out of high school that a lot can relate to, yet many have not. I have gone through the heartbreak. Love is a crazy feeling that makes you do things you would never in your wildest dreams ever imagine doing. When people refer to it being a rollercoaster, I think its understatement. No rollercoaster ride has ever left me so emotionally distraught before. And although the pain felt like there was no hope left, and that my heart could beat no longer…here I am today, with more love than anyone else could ever offer. I have gone through the loss of someone very important. It’s funny because you never really DO expect the little curveballs life throws at you. Never would I have imagined, nor anyone else for that matter, losing someone you love not through heartache, not through long distances, not through a failed friendship…but death, at such an early age. For the longest time, I’d pinch myself (literally!) to see if I somehow had fallen into a deep, inception-like, nightmare; however, reality sets in when you wake up and come to the realization that you’ll never get to share a summer’s day at the park singing out to your favorite tunes, you’ll never get an e-mail after many months of not talking just to see how you are, and you’ll never get to see, touch, or hear that person’s voice ever again. It’s a scary feeling because you never want to forget…even the smallest things…but you do. You go through your psychotic phase of trying to balance dreams, nightmares, and reality. A loved one passing away really fucks you up…In the end, there’s nothing more rewarding than being able to pick yourself up from the hugest obstacle you can over come, with a better understanding and appreciation of life itself.

…And this is where I go back to my so-called “passion” for writing. I’ll admit, I was a lot better before he left. Maybe because I always looked forward to his input with the content of my writing. It was as if I lived in my own little world and he was the only one who understood it…

I’ve only started writing again recently. But it’s not because I’m passionate about the subject matter that I relay. Neither am I here to impress you with the fancy words I conjure up or what Webster’s Thesaurus has to offer. Sure, a lot of people will think it’s cliché to say “I write for me and no one else,” and it may not have been fully true for me back then, but I do now. These are my ingenuous thoughts, not ingenious (there’s a difference…props to Jesse for seeing the play on play with words in a previous FB Status entry!), put into formations of sentences to paragraphs to blog. I am not always an open book. I don’t expect five star ratings or eProps or 10, 000 followers…If you can relate to me and I’ve done you some good…great! If I’ve wasted 15 minutes of your life…even better. This is me being completely honest with myself for the whole world to see. This is me letting everything go so that my mind can run freely in tangents. All boundaries are lost, all walls are shaken. I can openly admit, you will never see me at my truest and purest form other than what I write because this is when I’m the most vulnerable and real to even myself.

So thank you for reading…thank you for appreciating…thank you for relating…
In life, you learn more about yourself each and every day.
Just like taking notes in school, I’m just documenting mine.

these are my confessions...

I'm not drop dead gorgeous or the envy of all women and married men in the room. I don't have the sexy body of a Maxim model with curves all in the right places...I think I'm cute, but there's more to me than what meets the eye that suffice to the "lack of" whatever I'm lacking. There's been theory into why men love bitches and I'm not here to prove them wrong; for the most part, I think men really do strive on the challenge. But I'm not here to waste anybody's time. I'm not here to play the "hard to get" game and perhaps that's why I've been single for a while now. I refuse to alter who I am for the very reason that I love being vulnerable to falling in love. I'm sorry if I like catering to people's needs but that's what makes me happy in life. I come across the ones that take advantage but I still give them the benefit of the doubt to prove me...no, to prove everyone else wrong. Why? For this simple fact: No matter how hard a person plays "the game" in the end they always want the same thing...to love unconditionally and to get that same feeling in return. Excuse me if I am brutally honest with how I feel but it's only because I care. Not many can say they have true friends out there but I've been blessed enough to say that I do. If I say you're an idiot it's because you're making a fool of what I think you really are and I know you're better than that. If I say you're being a bitch it's because I know you don't have the heart to be THAT cruel. If I say that I love you it's not because I want you to take my heart and run away with it...it's because I want to share it...with you. I apologize if I'm ever jealous or envious, it's the humane part of me that I unfortunately can't control. It just means that you have an amazing quality in you that I wish I had for myself OR I feel that I'm not up to par with what I think you deserve. I think everyone deserves the best but I'm learning not everyone is and I should be fine with that. I'm sorry I'm not your average girl...and no, I'm not going to boast about how incredibly nerdy or tomboy I am...I leave you to be the judge on that...I mean, I don't have excess baggage. I don't have the dramatics of a sappy sad love story to give you to make you feel sorry for me. I don't have the psycho ex boy friends who will come after you if you step a foot near me. In actuality, despite our differences and the reasons why we went our separate ways...all the exes were pretty nice. I'm sorry that you're not going to have to fight for my attention because I know what I want, if what I want is you, you already have my undivided attention. I guess it may not be exhilarating enough without the chase, but here I am, because I think we're both deserving of each other.

In the end, these apologies mean nothing because I never really was "sorry" for who I am. I am confident enough to say that these characteristics, morals, and values are what make me, me. Those who are presently in my life are my witnesses. I hold no barriers when it comes to them because I genuinely love each and every one of them.

Ultimately, I'm just like you...and you...AND you...a girl waiting to take another chance in love.

J. Lacsamana 09.10.2010

excuse if i AM stingy.

WAKE UP CALL...and well, I could've written something in regards to this concept of being frugal with my feelings. It would probably be more personal that way. BUT after a friend of mine, Patricia, sent me this blog post a month back with the intentions as a follow-up to one of our "deep-running off tangents-what defines our lives" kind of conversations I came to the conclusion that this IS who I am when it comes to my morals and values or THAT aspect in life. Patricia got me spot on when she read this post and I would not have been able to describe it any other way...

STINGY written by Abigail

Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Stingy.

There are very few things in a relationship that I can guarantee. I remember someone asking me if I could ever give my boyfriend another chance if I caught him cheating on me, and while I didn't say yes I honestly couldn't say "NO," either. I just said, "I don't know." But about 2 things I do know for sure: 1) Once he blatantly puts his hands on me - IT'S OVER, and 2) I could NEVER knowingly be the "other woman".

They say never say never, but I just did. And it's not entirely because I think us females should stick together (although we should), or even because I got good morals (although I do). Real talk? I just don't like to share!

And this is for several reasons.

For one, I'm way too prideful for that shit. I refuse to let a man have the satisfaction of fucking both me and another chick at the same time. The fuck I look like giving him that good-good when someone else just did the same? I'm not the Queen of Kama Sutra but I believe every self-respecting woman should treat their body like it's a motherfucking wonderland and be shady on who they let go down the rabbit hole. In my opinion, you can have sex with more than one person at a time but still be selective.

Second, if I'm fucking you, most likely I'm affectionate with you, which means most likely I have feelings for you - even if just a little bit. And that's my biggest problem (or maybe to some, blessing). I am an emotional creature. I'm sorry, I can't help it. I have this stupid thing called a vagina. It's extremely hard for me to separate lust and like. I've tried, and it worked for about 2 days. It's not that I catch feelings easily, it's more like I ain't fucking with you unless I'm feeling you to begin with. And this is not good if the dude you are feeling ... is feeling all up on someone else.

I'll share my clothes, my shoes. My perfume, and my MAC fluidline. Give you my jacket and the last $20 in my wallet. MAYBE even the last bite of spicy shrimp and cheesy grits on my plate. I said maybe lol. But never my man. Call me old fashioned, call me boring, call me stingy. I'm stingy with my kisses, with my hugs, with my sex, and with my feelings. If I'm writing you cute 'lil messages on post it notes and sticking them on the tv for when you wake up after I'm gone, if I'm dropping you off lunch, if I bought you a gift for no reason other than to make you laugh when you open it, if I'm sending you pic texts of me making funny faces that I'd only let you see me making - I'm doing all these things only for you. I'm sure the chauvinistic pig in a man feels that there's more than enough of them to go around, but I'd want him to be stingy too.

'Cuz just as much as I don't want to be the other chick, I don't want to be the "main" either. I want to be the ONLY.


CLICK HERE to go to the original blog piece...

Also check out my friend, Pat's page...

PATRIZZLE

Thank you! :)

ode to r&bsides...

consider the first time you fell in love...good feeling huh? now take that, mix it with a little bit of your ideal soulmate, and that steady reassurance that this could possibly be the person you spend the rest of your life with. nothing could feel more safe and secure than falling in love for the last time...

dedication to the love of my life...

My ears paint the picture of what my eyes cannot see. Layers of words in conversations become life's little symphonies. The keys on the piano are singing their melodies. The drums are dancing to the rhythm of their feet. The sound of trumpets in the air soar like fighter jets across the sea. The bass brings heart beat to every living tree. The guitar is strumming to nature's simplicities. And for a split second, I see everything so clearly. This art, this craft...created so beautifully. This passion, this interaction, this love affair between MUSIC and me.

J. Lacsamana 07.30.09

Every song that I hear - old or new, every new YouTube talent I find, every lyric that I read...inspires me. The gift of music is more so like a gift of friendship; something that I can relate with in all aspects, every spectrum of what is and what was in my life. (Cliche alert) The shoulder I lean on through rough times, the breath of fresh air whenever I encounter something new, the fuel to the flame when I'm in love, the appreciation I feel with everything and everyone I have, the motivation, the challenge, and the drive to strive and learn more about myself, the knot that ties generation after generation to the next etc... Everyone has a soundtrack to their lives. For all those artists who have made an impact in my life, I thank you. For those I have yet to encounter, I thank you in advance.

QOD

Every time truth comes we hate it, because it's coming against our ego. Are you going to let the ego come between you and this person you love? Lauryn Hill

I've had plenty of time in the past couple of days to reflect and think about life. Like a textbook received on that first day of class, I'm learning and discovering many new things about myself. I came across this quote and it made me realize the mistakes and struggles I've made in the past when it came to dealing with truth and love. Many people don't see how much these two go hand in hand with each other, or how ego can prevent these two from making a connection. I hope to take this new lesson learned and put my best foot forward in the next relationship I embark. Until then self-discovery will be a never-ending journey that I am willing to pursue.

short but sweet

it only takes a few words to make a sentence so powerful and meaningful. i bring to you a quote from yours truly on this fine sunny day in vancouver.

it's the type of love that makes your heart smile and your soul cry. it's a universal type of love for everything and everyone.

no matter what your passion is or who it is...it'll always generate around this feeling. in my eyes, this is what genuine love is. there ya go! two simple sentences with a preeminent connotation.

happy hump day of the week folks! :)