let me be conceited and selfish for once.

I...

...Cannot wait till I gather the enough strength to say enough is enough...with a lot of things.
...Hope that I will find someone who will love me for the sentiment of who I am.
...Am tired of helping reconstruct a person's self-image only to evoke a big ego.
...Wish that someone could put as much effort in me as I do to others.
...Don't understand why I always put myself in such a substantial amount of predicaments that I have no way out of.
...Deserve the world and more but can't seem to get myself to realize that I do deserve it.
...Have so much love to give that it hurts knowing that I only share this desire with a few.
...Look like I trust and have a lot of friends...but it's been best said that "looks are deceiving."
...Need someone to tell me and make me feel beautiful.
...Don't feel completely beautiful on the outside, but am confident with the in.
...Think in due time I will find that puzzle to my peace I call "love."
...Can only do so much in this life time and want someone to hold my hand and accomplish it with me.
...Need a man who will motivate me to strive for and never any less.
...Want to be with a person that I'm not scared of losing...who's eyes meet mine and can help me be the very definition of "I."

know your worth

If he fails to recognize the beauty and value you hold; If he decides that the girl every man lusts for is way more significant than you; If he'd rather go for sex appeal than substance; If he seeks attention from every other girl besides you; If he thinks that innocent flirty texts to other girls consist of "let's get drunk and see where things go" or "I think you're beautiful"; If by the end of the day you're not one of the last things that cross his mind.

-- Walk away. He does not appreciate the lovely woman standing before him.

Because, someday, someone will realize your beauty and value you as their prized possession. Because someone, somewhere thinks that you are the most wondrous and alluring creation put on this earth. Because a woman with substance IS sexy. Because your attention should be the only one that matters. Because one day those won't be JUST innocent text messages and although other girls may be found attractive, his eyes should only see true beauty in you. Because when the sun sets and the moon rises he should know just how lucky he is to have a charasmatic, exquisite, breath-taking gem like you. Something so much more and incomparable to any other woman that has walked in and out of his life. A majestic and ageless gift to him, which is your unconditional love.

So, if he fails to acknowledge that and would rather live the "playboy" life...just leave. He was obviously not worth your time and you were evidently just a facade of a mature and blissful relationship that he could have had.

LGS

No, it's not the brand LRG. No, I didn't mean LSG (Levert, Sweat, Gill)...although their single "My Body" was sexy enough to get any girl to drop her panties and do the body roll.

-- LGS, everybody has them. Girl OR Guy. Some more than others. With Valentines Day on our minds this could possibly be the most depressing yet most fitting post for the occasion. This term is an acronym developed by a friend and I, made to describe a feeling. A feeling that we all know too well and is frequently shared amongst us on romantic holidays such as today:

L - Lonely
G - Girl/Guy
S - Syndrome

For the days we just want to shit-kick the world, shut everyone off, and be alone. It's that emptiness in your chest on a rainy day. It's that pain-staked stab in the heart where your mind goes blank and leads to the next occurrences. It's that sting in your eye that can make any grown up cry. It's that numbness you feel after you think that your whole life is meaningless and broken. It's that punch in the gut, knocking the wind out of you, making it hard to breathe. It's that realization that you only have yourself in this harsh world, and that no guy, no girl, no friend and no relationship could ever fix that void that you feel.

I'm not going to sit here and whisper words of encouragement. I'm not going to deny that, that shit sucks. Cause, to be real honest, it does. What I can promise you is this: It'll happen again. You will deal with it now and every holiday spent alone. You will deal with it on your days off from work. You will deal with it when you're having the time of your life with your friends. You may not deal with it now, but you will deal with it years ahead from the present. And all you can really do is accept it. You don't need to embrace, you don't need to rectify why you feel the way you do. Just accept. And hope the next time you're feeling LGS that it won't be so frequent or so bad.

dedication to derek cardigan

The term "fits like a glove" turned to "suited like a pair of eye glasses." You never would have thought so much about it a couple of years ago but eye glasses are now the new fad to fashion. It denotes who you are while benefitting you with, what my friends and I like to call, HD vision. This post is dedicated to a very good friend of mine. A man of such fine calibur with such keen sense in style, it does not cease to amaze me that he would create such structured, beautiful artwork for people to wear on a daily basis. I recently purchased TWO of his designer glasses and pushed the envelope a bit. Bringing back the cat-eye old 50's librarian look, I decided to get Derek Cardigan 7005 (wider frame in Black) and 7006 (smaller frame in Brown Tortoiseshell and Pink). They fit perfectly and I feel they define who I am. It's weird how an item of clothing or an accessory can make you feel more confident in yourself, almost like another puzzle to the piece you call "you."

To see all the styles that he's created visit ClearlyContacts.ca or click this link if you're just THAT lazy: Derek Cardigan

Thanks!

i'm on layaway...

"Hey girl, are you single?"

...No, I'm on layaway.

What Does Layaway Mean?
A purchasing method that allows a consumer to put a product on hold by placing a deposit on the item. Layaway allows the customer to make smaller payments on the product until the purchase price is paid in full, rather than paying for the item with credit and adding interest to the cost. A layaway plan ensures that the chosen merchandise will be in stock and ready for pick-up when the final payment is made.
(Whaddup Google!!!)

So maybe, technically, I am single. I have no direct correlation nor do I "belong" to anyone. But let me use this term layaway correctly...For those who are willing to pay increments of their time in getting to know me. For those who understand that I am reserved, maybe even scared to fully reveal who I am, but are patient enough knowing that one day these walls will crack and break down. I am not here to test if you are worthy of being with ME...in fact, the only test or "accreditation check" is yourself. Are YOU able to take how ever long it takes to make me feel comfortable enough to let you into my life?

There are no added costs to getting to know me. I try to be as honest and vulnerable as I can be. Why settle for someone who is not willing to see you for who you are? Who doesn't accept the flaws in you, because you know and I know...nobody is perfect.

The biggest reward for me is feeling safe and secure; That at that pivotal moment (the final payment), I can trust that we're both equally and happily deserving of one another. When people purchase things they look at the quality of what they're buying. They look at the expense of the item, the necessity, the long-term value, and the significance of how this could benefit them. Why not take all of those considerations one step further and apply it to not just clothes, appliances, jewellery...and all those fancy things, but to love and life. After all, wouldn't you credit yourself to be the most valuable thing in this world?

There are no refunds. There are no exchange policies. Basically, I am on layaway for someone who can look at it all and in the end say, "she was worth every minute of it."

Addendum: I realize that this is my first post of 2011. Happy New Year to you folks who read my blog. Mainly my Facebook friend base and I've seen majority of you already...but still. :)

the heart of the matter

I wake up everyday asking the same question. About 99% of the time I get the same answer. Is it me not being able to accept defeat? Maybe. Am I making assumptions and could the real answer be the one I want? Possibly. Realistically, the plausible answer is not so realistic. The pain rides through the preferred outcome, making it more difficult in the end...than it really was intended to be. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best thing to do overall. So I ask myself at the present time being, what am I doing here and how do I get myself out? The only profound answer that comes to mind is to turn from the contemplation and just walk away. And then I start questioning my actions...Is that the cowardice thing to do? Is there a better way to handle each situation more diligently? So in the end, I'm left in my despair to choose not to run away until I think of a better game plan. It's a battle between heart and mind, passion vs. substance...a constant internal feud that tends to render itself within humanity. An ongoing theme that resonates within the INDIVIDUAL and not with any animate or inanimate (for that matter) thing before them. I keep telling myself to let time run its course. Eventually, the answer becomes a lot clearer, right? WRONG...I find myself in a bigger shithole of questions that always lead me back to the same answer. This cycle has no end. When the answer is finally there, there will always be the "what if's" because in life you're never really satisfied. You always want to discover and explore the possibilities. You are your own maze with no finish. There never is a conclusion to the question. The battle of heart and mind never ends. Eventually you grow tired and learn to let it be...

**Addendum: It's funny how small little decisions open a can of worms and break through walls of hidden emotions you're trying to hide. I've been dealing with predicament after predicament with fam issues lately. More so closed issues that I constantly think about. Not open for discussion to people especially family. I wrote this piece after having a difficult time figuring out what shoes to wear. Ha! Go figure.

writings on MY wall...

Often people will ask me what drives me to write about certain things. Some people would say that I have a passion for writing. But I don’t. It’s always been a forte of mine but I wouldn’t call it a hobby. Unlike people who live and breathe their music, fashion, and writing capabilities, I live and breathe for life itself. I’ve been through a variety of situations in the past six years out of high school that a lot can relate to, yet many have not. I have gone through the heartbreak. Love is a crazy feeling that makes you do things you would never in your wildest dreams ever imagine doing. When people refer to it being a rollercoaster, I think its understatement. No rollercoaster ride has ever left me so emotionally distraught before. And although the pain felt like there was no hope left, and that my heart could beat no longer…here I am today, with more love than anyone else could ever offer. I have gone through the loss of someone very important. It’s funny because you never really DO expect the little curveballs life throws at you. Never would I have imagined, nor anyone else for that matter, losing someone you love not through heartache, not through long distances, not through a failed friendship…but death, at such an early age. For the longest time, I’d pinch myself (literally!) to see if I somehow had fallen into a deep, inception-like, nightmare; however, reality sets in when you wake up and come to the realization that you’ll never get to share a summer’s day at the park singing out to your favorite tunes, you’ll never get an e-mail after many months of not talking just to see how you are, and you’ll never get to see, touch, or hear that person’s voice ever again. It’s a scary feeling because you never want to forget…even the smallest things…but you do. You go through your psychotic phase of trying to balance dreams, nightmares, and reality. A loved one passing away really fucks you up…In the end, there’s nothing more rewarding than being able to pick yourself up from the hugest obstacle you can over come, with a better understanding and appreciation of life itself.

…And this is where I go back to my so-called “passion” for writing. I’ll admit, I was a lot better before he left. Maybe because I always looked forward to his input with the content of my writing. It was as if I lived in my own little world and he was the only one who understood it…

I’ve only started writing again recently. But it’s not because I’m passionate about the subject matter that I relay. Neither am I here to impress you with the fancy words I conjure up or what Webster’s Thesaurus has to offer. Sure, a lot of people will think it’s cliché to say “I write for me and no one else,” and it may not have been fully true for me back then, but I do now. These are my ingenuous thoughts, not ingenious (there’s a difference…props to Jesse for seeing the play on play with words in a previous FB Status entry!), put into formations of sentences to paragraphs to blog. I am not always an open book. I don’t expect five star ratings or eProps or 10, 000 followers…If you can relate to me and I’ve done you some good…great! If I’ve wasted 15 minutes of your life…even better. This is me being completely honest with myself for the whole world to see. This is me letting everything go so that my mind can run freely in tangents. All boundaries are lost, all walls are shaken. I can openly admit, you will never see me at my truest and purest form other than what I write because this is when I’m the most vulnerable and real to even myself.

So thank you for reading…thank you for appreciating…thank you for relating…
In life, you learn more about yourself each and every day.
Just like taking notes in school, I’m just documenting mine.

falling in fall...

Heavy heart...hard to breathe. Mixed emotions running through me. Want to cry...fall asleep but this pain won't let me be. "Please stop thinking." "Just relax!" "Give her time and soon it'll pass." A reason to smile, or even a laugh...I'd do anything to get that back.

*Maybe I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) or maybe I'm just exhausted from all the work I've had this week. For some reason I can't shake that tormented gut feeling you get when your eyes start to well up and you cry. I know I'm missing him...missing him a lot lately. I have optimism that just like the other times, this will pass. But for now, let me be...*

these are my confessions...

I'm not drop dead gorgeous or the envy of all women and married men in the room. I don't have the sexy body of a Maxim model with curves all in the right places...I think I'm cute, but there's more to me than what meets the eye that suffice to the "lack of" whatever I'm lacking. There's been theory into why men love bitches and I'm not here to prove them wrong; for the most part, I think men really do strive on the challenge. But I'm not here to waste anybody's time. I'm not here to play the "hard to get" game and perhaps that's why I've been single for a while now. I refuse to alter who I am for the very reason that I love being vulnerable to falling in love. I'm sorry if I like catering to people's needs but that's what makes me happy in life. I come across the ones that take advantage but I still give them the benefit of the doubt to prove me...no, to prove everyone else wrong. Why? For this simple fact: No matter how hard a person plays "the game" in the end they always want the same thing...to love unconditionally and to get that same feeling in return. Excuse me if I am brutally honest with how I feel but it's only because I care. Not many can say they have true friends out there but I've been blessed enough to say that I do. If I say you're an idiot it's because you're making a fool of what I think you really are and I know you're better than that. If I say you're being a bitch it's because I know you don't have the heart to be THAT cruel. If I say that I love you it's not because I want you to take my heart and run away with it...it's because I want to share it...with you. I apologize if I'm ever jealous or envious, it's the humane part of me that I unfortunately can't control. It just means that you have an amazing quality in you that I wish I had for myself OR I feel that I'm not up to par with what I think you deserve. I think everyone deserves the best but I'm learning not everyone is and I should be fine with that. I'm sorry I'm not your average girl...and no, I'm not going to boast about how incredibly nerdy or tomboy I am...I leave you to be the judge on that...I mean, I don't have excess baggage. I don't have the dramatics of a sappy sad love story to give you to make you feel sorry for me. I don't have the psycho ex boy friends who will come after you if you step a foot near me. In actuality, despite our differences and the reasons why we went our separate ways...all the exes were pretty nice. I'm sorry that you're not going to have to fight for my attention because I know what I want, if what I want is you, you already have my undivided attention. I guess it may not be exhilarating enough without the chase, but here I am, because I think we're both deserving of each other.

In the end, these apologies mean nothing because I never really was "sorry" for who I am. I am confident enough to say that these characteristics, morals, and values are what make me, me. Those who are presently in my life are my witnesses. I hold no barriers when it comes to them because I genuinely love each and every one of them.

Ultimately, I'm just like you...and you...AND you...a girl waiting to take another chance in love.

J. Lacsamana 09.10.2010

THE TRUTH?

You never truly are who you say you are until you show it; and half of the time the things that you say you are never really were you. Fuck the Conformist, and just be. Finding acceptance within yourself is far more preeminent than finding acceptance from other people. Don't look anyone else in the eye but yourself, none of their morals or values are yours anyway...Tell me what do you really see?
- J. Lacsamana 09.01.2010

excuse if i AM stingy.

WAKE UP CALL...and well, I could've written something in regards to this concept of being frugal with my feelings. It would probably be more personal that way. BUT after a friend of mine, Patricia, sent me this blog post a month back with the intentions as a follow-up to one of our "deep-running off tangents-what defines our lives" kind of conversations I came to the conclusion that this IS who I am when it comes to my morals and values or THAT aspect in life. Patricia got me spot on when she read this post and I would not have been able to describe it any other way...

STINGY written by Abigail

Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Stingy.

There are very few things in a relationship that I can guarantee. I remember someone asking me if I could ever give my boyfriend another chance if I caught him cheating on me, and while I didn't say yes I honestly couldn't say "NO," either. I just said, "I don't know." But about 2 things I do know for sure: 1) Once he blatantly puts his hands on me - IT'S OVER, and 2) I could NEVER knowingly be the "other woman".

They say never say never, but I just did. And it's not entirely because I think us females should stick together (although we should), or even because I got good morals (although I do). Real talk? I just don't like to share!

And this is for several reasons.

For one, I'm way too prideful for that shit. I refuse to let a man have the satisfaction of fucking both me and another chick at the same time. The fuck I look like giving him that good-good when someone else just did the same? I'm not the Queen of Kama Sutra but I believe every self-respecting woman should treat their body like it's a motherfucking wonderland and be shady on who they let go down the rabbit hole. In my opinion, you can have sex with more than one person at a time but still be selective.

Second, if I'm fucking you, most likely I'm affectionate with you, which means most likely I have feelings for you - even if just a little bit. And that's my biggest problem (or maybe to some, blessing). I am an emotional creature. I'm sorry, I can't help it. I have this stupid thing called a vagina. It's extremely hard for me to separate lust and like. I've tried, and it worked for about 2 days. It's not that I catch feelings easily, it's more like I ain't fucking with you unless I'm feeling you to begin with. And this is not good if the dude you are feeling ... is feeling all up on someone else.

I'll share my clothes, my shoes. My perfume, and my MAC fluidline. Give you my jacket and the last $20 in my wallet. MAYBE even the last bite of spicy shrimp and cheesy grits on my plate. I said maybe lol. But never my man. Call me old fashioned, call me boring, call me stingy. I'm stingy with my kisses, with my hugs, with my sex, and with my feelings. If I'm writing you cute 'lil messages on post it notes and sticking them on the tv for when you wake up after I'm gone, if I'm dropping you off lunch, if I bought you a gift for no reason other than to make you laugh when you open it, if I'm sending you pic texts of me making funny faces that I'd only let you see me making - I'm doing all these things only for you. I'm sure the chauvinistic pig in a man feels that there's more than enough of them to go around, but I'd want him to be stingy too.

'Cuz just as much as I don't want to be the other chick, I don't want to be the "main" either. I want to be the ONLY.


CLICK HERE to go to the original blog piece...

Also check out my friend, Pat's page...

PATRIZZLE

Thank you! :)

ode to r&bsides...

consider the first time you fell in love...good feeling huh? now take that, mix it with a little bit of your ideal soulmate, and that steady reassurance that this could possibly be the person you spend the rest of your life with. nothing could feel more safe and secure than falling in love for the last time...

another year over, a new one's just begun.

A Happy 2010 to all who read my blog. It's a clean new slate. Made for resolutions. Changes. Projects. Healthy life-style choices. I fall in the "none of the above category" for one particular reason. Evolution, goals...shouldn't have to start or depend on a New Year. It should be an on-going process that happens at the most sporadic time...with reason and realization as to what this particular task is benefiting you for, at that precise moment in your lifetime. Like this blog entry for example? Was really a means to showcase my snazzy nails that my sister-in-law did on my unproductive NYE bash, consisting of stuffing myself with mom's home-cooked food and sleeping for most of the night until Dick Clark came on TV. Now that's what I call, bringing in the New Year with a BANG...

IMO.LOL.WTF?!

Soon we'll be talking in a world filled with abbreviations...evolution of linguistics. Weeeeird.

This blog was completely random.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

"Where is my soul that I might play the music of my own life with such enthusiasm?"

I'm reading Paulo Coelho's, "Veronika Decides To Die." Like many of his books, quotes of inspiration come to mind. It's about the social ties between 'madness' and what majority of the world perceive as 'normal.'

There's a chapter in the book in which one of the clinically insane characters comes to see Dr. Igor, the doctor who manages the asylum known as "Vilette." Her question is plain and simple..."Is she cured from insanity?" He goes into many stories of how things were invented in society, with no explanation to why they are of the norm or socially accepted now. Reading these following excerpts opened my eyes to a whole new perspective on life in this world and the confidence to accept my existence for who I am, whole-heartedly:

(This excerpt is after Dr. Igor enlists the comparisons and relations of prominent inventions, that we barely take notice of in our everyday lives, being considered the 'norm.')

"...Each human being is unique, each with their own qualities, instincts, forms of pleasure and desire for adventure. However, society always imposes on us a collective way of behaving, and people never stop to wonder why they should behave like that. They just accept it...Have you ever met anyone in your entire life who asked why the hands of a clock should go in one particular direction and not in the other?

If someone were to ask, the response they got would probably be: "You're mad." If they persisted, people would try to come up with a reason, but they'd soon change the subject, because there isn't a reason...

You're someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that, in my view, is a serious illness.

...If you force yourself to be the same as everyone else: it causes neuroses, psychoses, and paranoia. It's a distortion of nature, it goes against God's law, for in all the world's woods and forests, He did not create a single leaf the same as another. But you think it's mad to be different."

There is so much content in this book that I wish to share. If you want to know what I'm seeing in this book...a revelation, an epiphany, if that's what you want to call it, then READ IT!

What an AWEsome way to start this upcoming year...

dedication to the love of my life...

My ears paint the picture of what my eyes cannot see. Layers of words in conversations become life's little symphonies. The keys on the piano are singing their melodies. The drums are dancing to the rhythm of their feet. The sound of trumpets in the air soar like fighter jets across the sea. The bass brings heart beat to every living tree. The guitar is strumming to nature's simplicities. And for a split second, I see everything so clearly. This art, this craft...created so beautifully. This passion, this interaction, this love affair between MUSIC and me.

J. Lacsamana 07.30.09

Every song that I hear - old or new, every new YouTube talent I find, every lyric that I read...inspires me. The gift of music is more so like a gift of friendship; something that I can relate with in all aspects, every spectrum of what is and what was in my life. (Cliche alert) The shoulder I lean on through rough times, the breath of fresh air whenever I encounter something new, the fuel to the flame when I'm in love, the appreciation I feel with everything and everyone I have, the motivation, the challenge, and the drive to strive and learn more about myself, the knot that ties generation after generation to the next etc... Everyone has a soundtrack to their lives. For all those artists who have made an impact in my life, I thank you. For those I have yet to encounter, I thank you in advance.

picture a difference

Universal diversities lead to social complexities
And instead of making friends, we choose to make enemies.
It's the struggle that brings a person to their knees.
THE REAL STRUGGLE?
Those people working hard to provide for their families.

Down the street, derogatory remarks are being exchanged.
In the alley, some hopeless soul is shooting venomous liquid into his veins
To get fuckin' high out of his brain.
By-standers look at this guy like he's insane.
BUT THE REALITY IS...he does it to stop the pain.
It's our own negligence to blame.

Real eyes, realize the demise of this man's cries.
He is the sole example of those souls trapped, needing to be consoled
The most tragic story ever told.
He is the HUNGER, the ANGER that we choose to ignore.
He is the SADNESS, the MADNESS in which we close our doors.
He is the RICH, the YOUNG, the OLD, the POOR.
The REVOLUTIONIST, the ACTIVIST all in one core.
Everything that we choose to blindfold our minds to see.
Everything that if we worked to eliminate would set our souls free.
Everything that we deny ourselves to be.

But take a look around you and see,
just how many third worlds are dying of poverty.

THE ANSWER?
Starts with you and me.
Making dreams of UNITY, dreams of EQUALITY, into REALITY.

J. Lacsamana 07.08.09

fiendin' and jonesin'

I'm currently typing from a coffee shop near my house called WAVES. I've been a regular here for the past two weeks accompanying my best friend, Christine, as she studies for her Nursing exam coming up. I have probably consumed about 10 cups of Iced Lattes, Dark Roast Coffee, Red Rooibos Tea. Caffeine has become a food staple and I get headaches when I don't get my fix. Pretty bad huh? I've gotten to the point where even the songs running through my head are about caffeinated food and beverages aka "Chocolate High" by Musiq Soulchild and India Arie. Hahaha! "You're my double caffeine dream, yeah..." pretty much sums up how I feel everytime I walk into this place. Nonetheless, the company and the talks have been awesome.

I spent most of the night yesterday watching videos on the Philosophy of Life and Death. The prof is a guy from Yale University, Shelly Kagan. It's a very broad topic and in a world where death can be torn between a society of acceptance and a society where the concept is frowned upon...there are many heated arguments with human development about the concept of life. The class challenges the students to think outside of the box in more realistic ways as opposed to the values and traditions that we often are exposed to. I'm not quite done watching all the videos or even grasping the ideations that this prof is putting on the table but so far it has been an interesting philosophy to follow. I'll keep y'all posted on that!

I still have much of the day to finish. I haven't been following NBA too much but I hear it's Game One between Lakers and Denver. Not jumping on any band wagons so I'll just ride the "whatever" train and watch for the heck of it.

Happy Tuesday!

QOD

Every time truth comes we hate it, because it's coming against our ego. Are you going to let the ego come between you and this person you love? Lauryn Hill

I've had plenty of time in the past couple of days to reflect and think about life. Like a textbook received on that first day of class, I'm learning and discovering many new things about myself. I came across this quote and it made me realize the mistakes and struggles I've made in the past when it came to dealing with truth and love. Many people don't see how much these two go hand in hand with each other, or how ego can prevent these two from making a connection. I hope to take this new lesson learned and put my best foot forward in the next relationship I embark. Until then self-discovery will be a never-ending journey that I am willing to pursue.

it is sweet and most fitting...

Wilfred Owen
Dulce Et Decorum Est
Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of disappointed shells that dropped behind.

GAS! Gas! Quick, boys!-- An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And floundering like a man in fire or lime.--
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.

Pleasant and Beautiful Existence....before a Country's Morality...a lie. Came across this poem in an old histoire book of mine. It's very powerful isn't it? It signifies the realization that traditional values about war were altered by the first 'modern war.' In a world where countries are constantly at war with one another the rotten truth of human selfishness is inevitable. Why do we struggle to have so much control? So much power? and Why must we do the extreme to gain that power; knowing that there are detrimental consequences? I never could understand it. Yet there are times I want that self-control and power for myself...

lazy sundays = good finds

Just went on a linking rampage on Twitter. Always on that music tip! Forreal. Check my twitter below or go to www.twitter.com/deejoyce cuz I'm too lazy to repost the links here. Add me while you're at it. This post is gonna be a short one cuz I'm still going through some musical hunts and adventures. Status on the killer cold?! On my way to recovery! Thank you medication and a goodnight sleep....finally! Seatown Saturdays on May 2nd with some homies. Something to look forward to throughout the week.

Okay maybe I'll post one video up. Lazy Sundays....it sure feels niiiiiiiice.

Urban Thermo Dynamics. VIBE TO IT!